What We Feel In Our Hearts
by greasymechanic
Summary: Kendall Schmidt wasn't one of those people who planned to be defeated, to not know what to do. Then again, he never planned to be gay either. RPS, Kogan. More angsty fluff than anything and written for the I'll Hold You Through It All Campaign.


**Author Notes:**So since it was Spirit Day yesterday, I decided to write a one shot in honour of it. Not only because of Spirit Day: Runs With Werewolves has an action going on against homophobia and I decided to write something to attribute to that. Meaning no smut coming from me for once! This is more angsty fluff than anything.

Also, every time I listen to Nothing Even Matters I just thought about Logan and Kendall and things just mixed from that point. I'd like to dedicate this to Danni (fortheyoungatheart on ) because she hasn't laughed at my crazy fanfic moments once and has stuck with me throughout everything. Kogan isn't really my thing, but I guess everyone has to do something they struggle with for once. Hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **as much as I wished I did, I do not own these boys, their characters, the show, any lyrics you may recognize or anything else related to Big Time Rush. Believe me, if I did, things would be going one hell of a lot different.

**What we feel in our hearts**

Kendall Schmidt wasn't one of those people who would sit around and mope all day when life wasn't going according to plan. He wasn't the kind of guy who would give up when things weren't going the way they were supposed to: instead, he would play his guitar, thinking, and come up with a plan to turn the situation to his hands again. He didn't plan to be defeated, to not know what to do. Then again, he never planned to be gay either. Sometimes, life is what happens to you and everything that once made sense gets pushed back to the deep grounds of the world, until nothing is left but the feeling that you have no control over your own actions anymore. No control at all.

So yes, here he was, at the studio where he was supposed to sing his song with Kevin Rudolf, sitting with his head in his hands, thinking about how the paparazzi had brought him down. And not only him. Hell, he would thank God on his bare knees if they had only broken him to pieces, if he could have been the only one who was a victim of this mess. But he wasn't the only one involved: because he was gay and he couldn't keep his hands to himself, he had pulled the love of his life along in this. Logan Henderson had been dragged along in a mess even Kendall could not fix. Not yet.

It killed him, knowing he had brought this upon himself. Homophobes were everywhere, lurking around every corner to try and get you if you were one of those 'fags'. But Kendall hadn't cared and laughed it off, not being careful enough. Logan had warned him to not do these things in public, because only bad stuff could come from it, yet Kendall had ignored him. Oh, how he regretted this now, how he wished he would have listened to Logan. After all, Logan was the adrenaline junkie of them both… If even he thought this was a bad idea, who the hell was he to disobey every piece of good advice and just go and show public display of affections like no one had ever done before?

'Kendall,' a soft voice tore him out of his anger towards himself and when he looked up, he gazed into the two most beautiful eyes this world would ever see and he knew he would break down soon enough. As much as he tried to look strong, as if nothing could ever hurt him, he realised looking at Logan would break the barrage that was holding the river back and the water would start flowing sooner or later. So he didn't look up and focused his gaze on the wall in front of him, covered with words that were directed towards him and his lover. How they had found the studio, he didn't know. It didn't matter anyway. His hands clutched into fists as he read the red letters that insulted him. _Big Time Fags._  
His jaw clenched and every muscle in his body was tensed, stiffening him to the core. He knew all of this was to be blamed on him: he was the one who seduced Logan that day, even though Logan was always the one to flirt. He was the one who licked his lips when he looked at him and made sure the brunette would notice. He was the one who always had to touch him, just to feel that spark. And he was the one who had thought grinding in a public park was a very good idea.  
'Kendall.' Logan's voice was stronger this time, harder. Kendall still didn't look up, too stubborn for his own good, and the red letters seemed to flash right at him, forcing him to realise what he had done to the man he loved. He was surprised no one had tried to remove them yet. How could this still be here after a whole week?  
'Kendall, look at me god damn it!' Logan yelled and the blonde finally lifted his head, to only see that Logan's face was covered in cuts that were still flashing red and seemed soar. He flinched and touched his boyfriend's face, frowning deeply. Logan's eyes closed for a second as Kendall stroked his face, but he opened them immediately when his fingers lingered over the still fresh wounds, cringing away from his boyfriend.  
'What happened?' Kendall whispered and pulled Logan a little bit closer to him, so that he was breathing in the breaths Logan let out. Logan shook his head and smiled wryly.  
'Oh, the usual. First I had to get away from the press who were dying to know if we had broken up yet-' He stopped for a moment when Kendall hissed and clenched his jaw again. He waited until the blonde flexed his muscles, knowing that if Kendall wasn't going to calm down, things would get out of control if Kendall heard what happened after that. A silence fell between the two as Kendall's breathing slowed down. Logan took his hand and tangled their fingers together before he even considered to speak again.  
'What happened then?' the blonde asked, staring at their intertwined fingers that fitted perfectly together. Logan hesitated for a second before he spoke up.

'Then, some kid ran up to me and threw a brick at my face, while yelling he hoped I couldn't walk after you fucked me in the ass.' He said it casually, hoping Kendall would become less angry if he put it like this, but the opposite happened: Kendall wasn't angry. He wasn't even mad. No, Kendall Schmidt was _furious_.  
'HE DID WHAT?' he yelled and got up from the concrete he was sitting on, pushing his knuckles right into the graffiti covered wall. His knuckles went to bleed immediately, but he didn't care. This pain was nothing compared to what he felt inside, the mixed feelings of anger, pain and fear in his gut. Let alone the endless amount of guilt he was feeling for being gay and hurting so many people with this. He had hurt Logan, the band would lose all of its fans and how about his poor mother, who was being assaulted for giving birth to a gay child? This wasn't just one of the times Kendall screwed up or was being silly. This was one of the times Kendall had hurt everyone around him and there was nothing he could do about it.

'Kendall, calm down. It's okay. It will pass.' Logan shrugged and smiled as he tried to wrap his arm around his boyfriend, but Kendall shook it off and backed away from him.

'It won't. Don't you see, Logan? Seriously? As much as people like to come up with plots how we are secretly dating each other, they do not like it when we actually _are._ I have figured that much by now.' Kendall's anger seriously started to take the best of him now: it was overpowering him in ways he didn't know even existed. A red haze flashed before his eyes, his head was spinning and he could feel how every single muscle in his body tensed, fighting against the tears that were still hidden beneath the surface. He wasn't just fighting the tears: he was also fighting himself.

'And then what? _I don't care if we lose fans._' Logan came to stand behind him and stroked his sides, making him shiver through the unexpected contact. He felt how his anger slowly slipped and his body weakened, slowly but steadily giving up his resistance. He knew that if he gave in, he would lose the battle he was fighting, but if he would keep fighting, he would start to get caught up into his own mind. He had to decide what mattered more to him, but quite frankly, Kendall hated to lose. He also hated to be weak. If anything, he tried to cover insecurity or fear with jokes and being silly, telling people how he was Spiderman. Everyone always laughed about it, but no one aside from Logan ever really found out these moments were caused by something Kendall would consider weakness.

'Can you tell me in all honesty that you would give up the band for us?' the blonde asked stubbornly, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. Logan sighed and scooped closer to him, now wrapping his arms around the boy while resting his chin on his shoulder.

'Yes, Kendall, I can. Because I don't care about how famous we are, I don't care about all the money we could get. All I care about is you and luckily, you are mine now.' He pressed his lips against the soft skin of Kendall's neck to prove his point and sucked lightly, marking his boyfriend as his.

'But they will hurt us,' Kendall whispered as he closed his eyes. Logan turned him slightly so that Kendall was now facing him again and leaned with his forehead against the other boy's.

'It's okay to be scared,' Logan hushed him and pulled him closely to him, their chests now exchanging body heat. As he ruffled Kendall's hair and his fingers slowly trailed along his back, Kendall finally gave in and started sobbing against his boyfriend's hair, crying for the first time in six years.

'They don't even know what we feel, how can they judge us?' he sniffled as he crawled away into the comfort of his boyfriend's safe grip, hiding from the world for once instead of putting on his brave face.

'Kendall, look at me for a second,' Logan whispered, determined to look into Kendall's eyes. After a few more minutes of crying, Kendall finally had the courage to look up and show how broken he was. Logan's heart broke a little at the sight of this, not being used to Kendall looking so fragile. He smiled encouraging at him and planted a soft, loving kiss on his lips.

'We don't need to prove to them what we feel in our hearts, Kendall. I promise I won't leave you, if you promise to not leave me. Because in all honesty, I don't want to ever live without you again. Even if that means giving up the band, yes,' Logan smirked at him when Kendall's stare turned into an unbelieving one. For a few seconds, none of them said a word, until Kendall furiously brushed his lips against Logan's with such a passion that they both ran out of breath. Kendall's hand went up to Logan's cheek and noticed it was still wet, yet this time, his tears had caused the moist.

'I love you,' Kendall choked out for the first time. Logan smiled and pressed a soft kiss on his forehead, pulling him as close as he could and making sure his boyfriend knew to stop the fight he had been struggling with for so long. They were together now and nothing else mattered.


End file.
